the absence of that feeling-
the feeling so many expecting moms get-
weighs pretty heavy.
like an empty glass
an echoing cave

what is it like to see a + and not a - ?
what is that initial feeling of "I'm knocked up!"
exactly what kind of sickness is it? 
-puke my brains out? upset stomach? too many rollercoasters at lagoon ?
how hard is that first kick?

it's almost a feeling of loss-

loss of something ive never even had!

how can one feel loss when they never had it to begin with?

thankfully, that feeling is a short one-
and I remember
all of you who are praying for me...

you have no idea the overwhelming comfort that I feel from that simple act.

I really want to stress to you how understanding I am of my situation.
I am envious,
when I get news of a friend or family members pregnancy.
happy being the biggest and most overwhelming feeling of all listed-truly!!

I believe it is a true joy to be able to conceive- so why would I ever ever make anyone feel as if their insanely happy news- is anything less?

I know that when that sweet day comes, my heart will ache for those who still struggle-
But I will be HAPPY

happiness is a lifestyle,
my lifestyle-
despite my trials


  1. Well said my dear daughter. My prayers for you will continue and someday.......

  2. Tia,
    My heart absolutely breaks for you. I personally don't know the pain you have felt but I have witnessed first hand the heartache that comes with infertility with my sister. I hope and pray that you will get to experience the gift of pregnancy, and having children. I know the pain associated with careless comments/complaints towards pregnancy and that is why I vow to never make a negative comment towards pregnancy on social media. There is nothing that fires me up more than seeing "I am so done being pregnant, I am so over this, get this baby out of me" blah blah blah. I wish everyone would realize how hurtful those words are. There are so many women who would give anything to have morning sickness, to be uncomfortable, if it meant being able to have a child. Even the hardest pregnancy is so much easier than the alternative, not being able to have children. Please know you are not alone, sadly infertility effects way too many couples. If you need anything I am here for you. You and Mike are in my thoughts and prayers!

    1. Kami- thank you for your KIND words! it really means the world to me <3

  3. Tia I just love you so much! I swear that I've never seen you write anything pessimistic about anything and that's an admirable trait. Before my mission I patterned myself to be like Mike (well everyone wants to be like Mike) but I wanted to be like Elder Montgomery. I saw him work harder than any other missionary and it inspired me, well heck it still does. BUT I really wanted to be like him when you two came down to Provo before I left to Nicaragua because that is when I met you. I saw a direct correlation between his hard work and God blessing him with such a beautiful woman (not because you are super gorgeous "which is true" but because you had an inner beauty, a uniqueness about you). That thought passed through my mind daily as I tried to give it everything and I can say that I did. I know that you two are supposed to be together, anyone around you two can feel it. Black is black, white is white, Tia and Mike. ( it's just a fit know?) That must mean that your delayed parental years have happened for a reason as well. I'm sure whatever is in store is bigger than you ever imagined because the blessing comes after the trail of your faith- and it seems like you endure it pretty darn well!
    Oh- And when it does happen, Mikey would be a good name choice.

    -Mikey Smyre.

    1. Mikey,
      i think I'm going to print that comment out and freakin frame it!
      THANK YOU soooo much for your words.
      they mean so much to myself as well as mike!!!
      i am proud of you and mike both for being such great men-
      we are very excited for your wedding next month!
      can't wait to see you and that beautiful fiancé of yours!!

      <3 ya!

      <3 mike n tia

  4. T my love, you are going to make a marvelous mother some day. :) already planning your mad baby quilt!! Prayers for you!

    Sarah Grange

    1. YES! i need a baby for the mere fact of baby quilts!! hahahah

  5. What a marvelous post! I'm very surprised by your uniqueness and creativeness. I hope that you will be able to keep it up! Cheers!